Losing Friends as an Adult Sucks

Admittedly it sounds a bit stupid in retrospect, but I didn’t expect ghosting to be an issue with friendships at my ancient age of 27. Yet here we are. I’m not talking some casual short term friendship either, I’m talking five full years. This is not meant to be any sort of angry or hateful blog post might I add. I have no wish to ever invalidate anybody’s feelings or experiences, but this feels like it’ll be therapeutic and constructive. Will the person who this is about see this? Maybe. I would say unlikely given the fact they haven’t spoken to me in about a year but hey who knows. Maybe. If you do - Hello, I don’t hate you.

Given my life experiences with grief and loss, I am not one to cling. I am more than accepting of the fact that any relationship of any kind has its time, place, season, etc. Things end. That’s okay. People change and discover things about themselves that alter their needs and wants. Sometimes nobody is even “at fault” at all. Life is just. Life. So why did this specific experience hurt so bad? The reality that somebody I considered a close friend didn’t really know or understand me at all sucks. It’s not really ideal to point fingers in a situation like this I’ve found. It’s very likely we aren’t pointing at the same thing or even pointing with the same finger.

I’ve had an issue my whole life with being chronically misunderstood. People put motivation and thought behind my actions and words that wouldn’t even cross my mind unless told to my face directly. Yes I am probably on the spectrum. I say probably because I don’t want to end up in an RFK Jr sanctioned neurodivergent work camp. I am joking but I am also not joking. I don’t have any sort of official ADHD/AuDHD diagnosis anyway because I am “too social”. You’d think this exact situational pattern would be some sort of diagnostic marker, but hey. I’m not a doctor. Neither is RFK Jr. Anyway.

I imagine you’re wondering what I did. Rightfully so. I wondered this myself for about a year. Boy do I wish I had a direct answer. All I have managed to ‘uncover’ (to speak unreasonably cryptically about this for both your entertainment and mine) is that they thought I talked about myself too much. This is not the first time I have heard this. I say that and we assume “Wow. So you know this is a problem and you don’t work on it?”. False. I know right. I sadly worked on it extensively in therapy. I’ve worked on it to the point where when I catch myself rambling too long I cut myself off and redirect the conversation. I try and make up for my talkative and rambling nature by listening well and remembering the little things. I try to show up for my friends in whatever way I can physically and mentally. I am a person who thinks friendship supersedes romantic relationships often times, and even my romantic partners are my friend above all else. Naturally, when people claim I am a bad friend despite my genuine efforts it’s not going to feel good.

I’ve come to accept that I can make all the effort in the world and it physically would not be possible for everybody to like me. I am who I am. I have learned to let go of the people who expect me to put on a persona to earn their acceptance and understanding. I have managed to find deep true friendships by being myself, and I don’t intend to change that for the approval of others. I can tell people all day that I’m more than willing to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation to better our friendship, but I cannot make them talk to me. I cannot force vulnerability or communication. Intention and Perception both matter, but if the perception is so off base from the intention there’s only so much I can do. I sent a text that just said “I miss youuuuu” and got no response. Not only that. I even unashamedly sent one more text two weeks later before accepting the lack of response for what it was and letting it go. If that’s not a big fuck you to my long-gone rejection sensitivity I don’t know what is.

All of this to say. I count myself very lucky that in spite of instances like this I don’t think of the world as a horrible place where I will never feel understood. I feel understood by friends, by film, by music, by art. I understand myself and that’s fucking huge. There is no shame in making a majority of mistakes as long as you learn something; either about yourself or the world. I still wish nothing but the best for this person and am always rooting for their happiness and success. I still have many fond memories with this friend that I’m thankful to have experienced, even if the friendship ended abruptly. Many great things in life end abruptly when you really think about it. Freaks & Geeks, Four Lokos, Tim Robinson’s time as an SNL featured player, Sharona’s time as a Monk caretaker, America’s Democracy.