Do I have poor impulse control? No, I overthink too much for that.
Over the course of lockdown I’ve had a lot of time to really think. Most of that time has been spent thinking about what could have been, where I want to be, and how I should go about getting to where I want to be. I’m finally finished thinking and ready to start doing. Whatever the hell that means.
My brain waves being checked via EEG after my anxiety induced seizure episodes that caused me to take some time off of school starting in 2017The sudden nature of this quarantine caught me off guard. I was working a full time job, put school on hold indefinitely to be able to work enough to fully support myself, and was so bogged down with my daily schedule I didn’t even have time to think about my passions or goals. I was stuck in a never ending cycle of essentially waking up, going into work, getting home from work, taking a nap, getting up, figuring out dinner, and then binge watching TV shows I had already seen a dozen times instead of watching some of the new content I had on my plethora of streaming service lists. The one thing I did do on a somewhat weekly basis was go to the movies. Sometimes that meant a newly released film, and sometimes that meant a curated programmed film. This was the one thing I never lost. Sure I had periods where I wouldn’t go to the theater for a good 3 weeks, but there were some streaks I had where I went weekly+ for months.
Film has been my passion for as long as I can remember. It was what I had been going to school for before my anxiety seizures, and the only thing I could ever imagine going to school for. I wanted to write. I wanted to direct. It took me being stuck in my apartment for a month to realize how depressed I had become over the last two years. I had been slowly losing parts of myself over the past handful of years. I had become so far removed from the thing I loved. This was something I feel like I had always known on some level, but sitting with it alone in my apartment? That was a feeling all its own.
While this quarantine has been a wake-up call for me, I did have one more wake-up call a few months before it started. I flew out to LA to meet up with some online friends for a podcast live show (i know). The whole weekend filled me with a feeling of excitement and motivation I hadn’t felt in years. I had never been out to LA, only the Bay Area. I’d always considered myself an east coast lover, but the second my friends and I drove out to Malibu and took the costal highway back into the city I realized how wrong I had been. The more time I spent with these likeminded friends, the more I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. When we saw the live show I felt inspired beyond what I had been in my recent memory. When we met the hosts at the Patreon meet up after the show, I decided in that moment I was going back to school. I was going to build up my confidence and make an effort to get out of food service. I felt like I reconnected with parts of myself on that trip. The second I walked in the door of my apartment at 2am after a delayed flight home I reenrolled and signed up for classes.
